A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
He replied, "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on it's rear end.
I walked over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!
I don't remember much after that...."
Showing posts with label Bad Joke of the day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bad Joke of the day. Show all posts
Friday, September 05, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Bad Joke of the Day!
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the
shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of
the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds
them and stands them at the rear of the
vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike
cardboard men are in trench coats exposing
their nude bodies and private parts to
approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled
and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the
blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling,
"What's going on here?"
"My car broke down, officer" says the woman
calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard
pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.
"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde.
"Those are my emergency flashers!"
The blonde driver eases it over onto the
shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of
the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds
them and stands them at the rear of the
vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike
cardboard men are in trench coats exposing
their nude bodies and private parts to
approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled
and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the
blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling,
"What's going on here?"
"My car broke down, officer" says the woman
calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard
pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.
"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde.
"Those are my emergency flashers!"
Friday, November 30, 2007
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
You might be a Redneck if- Thanksgiving Version
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Bad Joke of the Day
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234 and
it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another
year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night
he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most
exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says,
"123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the
medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and
asks, "What did you say "123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234 and
it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another
year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night
he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most
exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says,
"123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the
medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and
asks, "What did you say "123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Friday, March 16, 2007
Friday, January 12, 2007
Broke-back Cajun
One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya Basin , Boudreaux made a confession. "We all been friends for tirty year and been tru a lot. I never told ya'll dis befo 'cause I don't wanna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay."
Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and say, "We kinda figured dat out a while back, but wadn't gonna say nuttin' 'cause we didn't wanna embarrass you".
Boudreaux thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tollin' ya'll dis is 'cause I got AIDS and I got six munt to live. Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat ya'll won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and wanna be cremate. Den, I want ya'll to throw my ashes from dat bridge up dair into dis swamp where we've spent so much time together."
Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend asked.Shore nough, six munts later Boudreaux died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes.Fontenot was about to throw them out when Thibodeaux stopped him: "Wait, you gotta say sumtin," he say."I donno what to say. I never was much about goin' to church," Fontenot admitted.Thibodeaux, he scratch his head, "Just say somtin'.... anyting. An make it rhyme."Fontenot, he thought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes out over da swamp and say,"Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, if you liked women, You'd still be here wit us."
Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and say, "We kinda figured dat out a while back, but wadn't gonna say nuttin' 'cause we didn't wanna embarrass you".
Boudreaux thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tollin' ya'll dis is 'cause I got AIDS and I got six munt to live. Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat ya'll won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and wanna be cremate. Den, I want ya'll to throw my ashes from dat bridge up dair into dis swamp where we've spent so much time together."
Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend asked.Shore nough, six munts later Boudreaux died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes.Fontenot was about to throw them out when Thibodeaux stopped him: "Wait, you gotta say sumtin," he say."I donno what to say. I never was much about goin' to church," Fontenot admitted.Thibodeaux, he scratch his head, "Just say somtin'.... anyting. An make it rhyme."Fontenot, he thought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes out over da swamp and say,"Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, if you liked women, You'd still be here wit us."
Monday, December 11, 2006
Bad Joke of the Day
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.."Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterward they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, "she replies. . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
"No, "she replies. . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
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