· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
· Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
· Life is sexually transmitted.
· Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
· Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
· Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
· Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
· If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
· Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
· Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?