A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have an oil shortage here in our
country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in ALASKA, CALIFORNIA, OKLAHOMA,
and TEXAS.
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington.
Tags: jokes, funny jokes, oil shortage, washington
Monday, August 29, 2005
Friday, August 26, 2005
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
"Should He Have Said That . . ? "
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped
at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a
sign attached that said: This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said: "He mated 50
times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: "This
bull mated 120 times last year. "
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said: "That's more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said:
"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said: "Go over and ask him if it was with the
same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable,
and he should eventually make a full recovery...
at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a
sign attached that said: This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said: "He mated 50
times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: "This
bull mated 120 times last year. "
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said: "That's more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said:
"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said: "Go over and ask him if it was with the
same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable,
and he should eventually make a full recovery...
Friday, August 19, 2005
Funny Pic Friday-Double Shot
You might be drinking too much if this happens to you!!
Have a Great weekend but try not to end up like these dudes.
Tags: funny pics, comedy, drunk, pictures, party
Trooper
A senior citizen in Texas bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind flowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down the Texas Interstate.
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
Room Service
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.)
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service,
at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service,
at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Potential and Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment and asks
his father for help.
"Dad, can you tell me the difference between Potential and
Reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says; "I'll demonstrate it
for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back
and tell me what you have learned.
The kid is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what
his father means.
He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone would give you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on
her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father who asks, "Well, what did you
learn?"
The kid says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. POTENTIALLY,
we're sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we're living
with a couple of whores."
his father for help.
"Dad, can you tell me the difference between Potential and
Reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says; "I'll demonstrate it
for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back
and tell me what you have learned.
The kid is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what
his father means.
He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone would give you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on
her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father who asks, "Well, what did you
learn?"
The kid says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. POTENTIALLY,
we're sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we're living
with a couple of whores."
The Test
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
Friday, August 12, 2005
Little Timmy
A little boy named Timmy and another little boy named Ralph were
playing outside one day.
Timmy:"What does your daddy do for work?"
Ralph:"He's a doctor. What does your daddy do for work?"
Timmy:"He's a lawyer."
Ralph:"Honest?"
Timmy:"No, just the regular kind!"
playing outside one day.
Timmy:"What does your daddy do for work?"
Ralph:"He's a doctor. What does your daddy do for work?"
Timmy:"He's a lawyer."
Ralph:"Honest?"
Timmy:"No, just the regular kind!"
Man accidentally runs over wife twice
I believe him...
BERLIN (Reuters) - A 75-year-old German was so shocked he had accidentally run down his wife he started forward and drove over her again, authorities said on Wednesday. Police in the western town of Bad Nauheim said the man compounded his 73-year-old wife's misery after an onlooker told him he had just run her over while backing out of a parking space. The woman was rushed to hospital and survived.
Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com
BERLIN (Reuters) - A 75-year-old German was so shocked he had accidentally run down his wife he started forward and drove over her again, authorities said on Wednesday. Police in the western town of Bad Nauheim said the man compounded his 73-year-old wife's misery after an onlooker told him he had just run her over while backing out of a parking space. The woman was rushed to hospital and survived.
Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Kids say the funniest things
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Husband in charge
Walking into his favorite bar, Mike said to the
bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another
fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Fred. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me
on her hands and knees."
"Really?? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit."
bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another
fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Fred. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me
on her hands and knees."
"Really?? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit."
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
You Never Listen to Me
Next time your wife or girlfriend says "you never listen to me." You now have an excuse.
"Men who are accused of never listening by women now have an excuse -- women's voices are more difficult for men to listen to than other men's, a report said.The Daily Mail, quoting findings published in the specialist magazineNeuroImage, said researchers at Sheffield university in northern England discovered startling differences in the way the brain responds to male and female sounds.Men deciphered female voices using the auditory part of the brain that processes music, while male voices engaged a simpler mechanism, it said."
Men do have trouble hearing women, scientists find - Yahoo! News
"Men who are accused of never listening by women now have an excuse -- women's voices are more difficult for men to listen to than other men's, a report said.The Daily Mail, quoting findings published in the specialist magazineNeuroImage, said researchers at Sheffield university in northern England discovered startling differences in the way the brain responds to male and female sounds.Men deciphered female voices using the auditory part of the brain that processes music, while male voices engaged a simpler mechanism, it said."
Men do have trouble hearing women, scientists find - Yahoo! News
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Convent Painting
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of
paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the
door of the room, strip off their robes & habits, and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man "Where do you want the blinds?"
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of
paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the
door of the room, strip off their robes & habits, and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man "Where do you want the blinds?"
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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