People never cease to amaze me!
Friday, June 29, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Bad Joke of the Day
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234 and
it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another
year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night
he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most
exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says,
"123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the
medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and
asks, "What did you say "123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234 and
it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another
year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night
he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most
exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says,
"123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the
medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and
asks, "What did you say "123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition
Friday, June 15, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
New Rules for 2007
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you haven’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be the cashier and ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be the cashier and ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
Monday, June 11, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Funny things that people say on Job reviews
(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
(4) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
(11) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
(13) "A gross ignoramus - - - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
(17) "He's been working with glue too much."
(18) "He would argue with a signpost."
(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks he's the other one."
(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans"
(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."
(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
(34) "Takes him 1 hour to watch 60 minutes."
(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
(4) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
(11) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
(13) "A gross ignoramus - - - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
(17) "He's been working with glue too much."
(18) "He would argue with a signpost."
(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks he's the other one."
(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans"
(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
(32) "One neuron short of a synapse."
(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
(34) "Takes him 1 hour to watch 60 minutes."
(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
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