A major new chemical discovery! A major research institution has >recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, thus forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium...an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
The Office: Call of Duty
In the episode "The Coup," the Stanford team plays Call of Duty to build teamwork. Awesome.
Redneck Pickup Lines
1) Did you just fart? Cause you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cause ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? Cause I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cause I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light
switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta
this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
tighten up
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cause ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? Cause I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cause I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light
switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta
this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
tighten up
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Guy's Rules
The Guys' Rules-------------------
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are " the rules " from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are " the rules " from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Absolute, worst American idol audition EVER: Bohemian rhapsody
The following is possibly the worst audition ever for American idol. You know that high pitch ringing in your ears after a concert? Take that and put it to the tune of Bohemian rhapsody and you have the worst audition ever.
Friday, January 19, 2007
One of the funniest prank calls I've heard - Chinese food prank call
Basically a guy orders from one takeaway, puts him on hold, calls another takeaway and three way calls them. Kinda confusing, but once you hear it you'll get it. Very Funny!
The Old Mule
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head, killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement. But when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head, killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement. But when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Friday, January 12, 2007
Minnesota Blizzard
Up there by Lake Woebegone it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility as almost zero when Lena got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She remembered Ole's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of Ole's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart
This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of Ole's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart
Broke-back Cajun
One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya Basin , Boudreaux made a confession. "We all been friends for tirty year and been tru a lot. I never told ya'll dis befo 'cause I don't wanna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay."
Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and say, "We kinda figured dat out a while back, but wadn't gonna say nuttin' 'cause we didn't wanna embarrass you".
Boudreaux thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tollin' ya'll dis is 'cause I got AIDS and I got six munt to live. Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat ya'll won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and wanna be cremate. Den, I want ya'll to throw my ashes from dat bridge up dair into dis swamp where we've spent so much time together."
Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend asked.Shore nough, six munts later Boudreaux died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes.Fontenot was about to throw them out when Thibodeaux stopped him: "Wait, you gotta say sumtin," he say."I donno what to say. I never was much about goin' to church," Fontenot admitted.Thibodeaux, he scratch his head, "Just say somtin'.... anyting. An make it rhyme."Fontenot, he thought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes out over da swamp and say,"Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, if you liked women, You'd still be here wit us."
Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and say, "We kinda figured dat out a while back, but wadn't gonna say nuttin' 'cause we didn't wanna embarrass you".
Boudreaux thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tollin' ya'll dis is 'cause I got AIDS and I got six munt to live. Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat ya'll won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and wanna be cremate. Den, I want ya'll to throw my ashes from dat bridge up dair into dis swamp where we've spent so much time together."
Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend asked.Shore nough, six munts later Boudreaux died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes.Fontenot was about to throw them out when Thibodeaux stopped him: "Wait, you gotta say sumtin," he say."I donno what to say. I never was much about goin' to church," Fontenot admitted.Thibodeaux, he scratch his head, "Just say somtin'.... anyting. An make it rhyme."Fontenot, he thought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes out over da swamp and say,"Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, if you liked women, You'd still be here wit us."
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Spider On Drugs
In the 1960s, Dr. Peter Witt gave drugs to spiders and observed their effects on web building. This is too funny!
Monday, January 08, 2007
Spoiled Girl Reacts To Wrong Color Car For Her Birthday
Not sure if this is fake or not but Poor little Mackenzie didn't get her blue, 2006 Saab 9-3 Convertible (MSRP: ~$38,000 USD). This is how she thanks her family.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matte r what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vac uum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matte r what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vac uum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
SNL Digital Short - A Special Christmas Box (Uncensored)
Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg sing about a special gift idea for your girlfriend.(Very Funny)
Funniest Laugh Ever
Have you ever heard a laugh so funny, that you couldn't help BUT laugh yourself? Enjoy.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
huge phone
This dude has a huge phone and he annoys the hell out of the people around him. Hilarity ensues.
Monday, January 01, 2007
How much was this check written for?
A guy smarter than me shows his disgruntled approach toward Verizon.
For those who are curious:
The two tricky parts are:
e^ (i * pi) = -1
The Riemann sum of 1/(2^x) from 1 to infinity = 1
So it simplifies to:
0.002 + (-1) + 1 = 0.002
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