A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Friday, May 27, 2005
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Excerpted from actual newspaper ads...
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while..better
be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown -
89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while..better
be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown -
89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Wednesday Joke
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment and asks
his father for help.
"Dad, can you tell me the difference between Potential and
Reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says; "I'll demonstrate it
for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back
and tell me what you have learned.
The kid is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what
his father means.
He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone would give you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on
her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father who asks, "Well, what did you
learn?"
The kid says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. POTENTIALLY,
we're sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we're living
with a couple of whores."
Submitted by James R.
his father for help.
"Dad, can you tell me the difference between Potential and
Reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says; "I'll demonstrate it
for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back
and tell me what you have learned.
The kid is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what
his father means.
He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone would give you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on
her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father who asks, "Well, what did you
learn?"
The kid says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. POTENTIALLY,
we're sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we're living
with a couple of whores."
Submitted by James R.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Bill Gates and General Motors
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
12 Shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
Friday, May 20, 2005
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Golf Joke
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad
I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy
pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and
the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forget."
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad
I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy
pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and
the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forget."
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Funny Voicemail
I laughed so hard that I gave myself a headache after listening to this voicemail. Enjoy!!
VoiceMail
VoiceMail
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Friday, May 13, 2005
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Stress management
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,"
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See! You're smiling already.
posted by Teresa G.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,"
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See! You're smiling already.
posted by Teresa G.
Monday, May 09, 2005
George W. Bush talks to Chinese President Hu Jintao
This picture is Funny but needs a caption. So add your comment and help me come up with one!! Have Fun
Friday, May 06, 2005
Bad Joke of the Day
Don't blame me for this one... My Wife sent me this.
Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled
labor", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied.
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week.
When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters
are skilled labor." "What skill?!" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da panties, Pedro puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."
Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled
labor", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied.
Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week.
When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters
are skilled labor." "What skill?!" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da panties, Pedro puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."
Kilburn's Funny Pic Friday
This Picture cracks me up.. Just when you thought she couldn't look worse. It's the wind blown Duches.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
New series starting tomorrow
Tomorrow I'm going to start a new series on this blog called Kilburn's Friday Funny Pic so be sure and check back each and every Friday. I promise it will be good!! Also, I'm looking for people to help provide content for this site pictures, jokes, etc.. So if your interested please email me at dkilburn@gmail.com and if you need a free gmail account you can email me at that same address as well. Thanks.. David
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
What My Mom Taught Me. . . .
Just in time for Mom's Day:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're
not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get
stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are
cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running
to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like me...."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a
barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like
you."
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're
not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get
stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are
cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running
to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like me...."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a
barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like
you."
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
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